FIVE things you NEVER knew about MEN!

Most people struggle to interact with men, but with this SIMPLE knowledge you’ll find SEX, FRIENDSHIPS, WORK RELATIONSHIPS and even DAILY INTERACTION so much easier. When I realised the amazing truth about men my life got much easier! So if you want to find the KEY to a happier existence, put these EASY points to the test:

Bradley_Cooper_(April_2009)_1#1 Men are not a homogenous mass

Neither are women. Or black people. Or white people. Or trans* people. Or queers. You cannot say anything meaningful about such massive groups of individuals without either being hopelessly vague, partially and offensively wrong, or tautological…

#2 Men are ‘adult human males’

Even that isn’t perfect. Many adult human males wouldn’t like to be described as men, and many people wouldn’t describe some adult human males as men. Woah, looks like blanket definitions are a fucking minefield!

Lucky that we can be certain that ‘men hate change’ or ‘men love it when you rake their backs with your nails’ or ‘men cannot buy socks’.

#3 Men are not from Mars

As far as I know, this one’s true. Literally.

#4 Some men resent the patriarchy

Did you see what I did there? DID YOU SEE?!

I made the words true by adding the modifier “some”, meaning that the sentence is true if anyone out of over three billion people qualifies. To illustrate the absurdity, try “Some men are currently lying on their beds in north-west London in garish shorts typing articles remarkably similar to this one and wondering when they can next smoke their e-cigarette and whether the artichokes in the fridge are OK in a salad”.

‘Some’ (or ‘most’ or ‘normally’ or ‘often’) are usually ridiculous modifiers in this kind of mindless list. You might as well go the whole hog and point to which of the some you are describing – i.e. “white male cisgender heterosexual Western men not in poverty and raised on conventional culture…might find it awkward if you offer to go Dutch on a restaurant meal.” But that’s a bit of a mouthful. Might as well say ‘I’, which normally tends usually be what the average typical author of one of these columns means.

#5 You probably won’t be disappointed that there isn’t a five because if you’ve got this far you’ve realised it’s a parody.

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